"I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight."
-- Homer Simpson
"So I'm failing English; I'm never gonna go to England."
-- Homer Simpson
A lady walks into a bank and asks for a $5,000 loan. "What do you have for collateral?" the banker asks. "You can keep my car." So the banker gives her the loan. The lady returns the follow week and pays back the $5,000, along with $15.41 in interest. "If you had $5,000, why did you need a loan?" the banker asks. "Where else could I park my car for a week for only $15.41?" --- Submitted by William Howe*
$ubliminal College Letter
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$, and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love,Your $on
Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task. You can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad --- Submitted by Lorie Glenn*
A young nun enters a convent, where she is can only utter two words every ten years. After the first decade, she visits Mother Superior and says, "bed hard." Ten years later, she says, "food bad." After 30 years, she goes to the Mother Superior and says, "I quit." "I'm not surprised," says Mother Superior. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here." --- Submitted by Barry Goldman*
A preacher and a cab driver die at the same time. At the gates of Heaven, Saint Peter hands the preacher a small set of white wings, then hands the cabby a large set of gold wings. "Why," the preacher asks, "does that cabby get gold wings?" Saint Peter says, "While you were preaching, people were sleeping. While he was driving, people were praying!" --- Submitted by Lori Valdivia*
"Can you tell me what you call an unravelled loop of string?" a teacher asks her class. "I'm afraid not," one little girl responds. "Very good!" the teacher says. "A frayed knot is correct!" -- Submitted by Orenthal Burling*
A new teacher started her class by saying, "everyone who thinks they're stupid can stand up." After a few seconds, little Johnny stood. "Do you think you"re stupid, little Johnny?" she asked. "No ma'am," he replied," but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
-- Submitted by Jeanne Boucher.*
One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee! Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her life. When she finished, she found three little green Army men at the bottom. Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson answered, "Like is says on TV, Grandma -- 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
--Submitted by John Hunter*
A retired corporal was telling a friend how he handled officers during his service years. "It didn't matter if he was a general, an admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I told those guys exactly where to get off. "Wow," his friend said. "What was your job in the service?" "Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
--Submitted by D. Bernice (Hotchkiss) Raben*
George W. Bush was out walking when he saw Moses. "Hey, Moses! STOP!!" he yelled. But Moses walked on, ignoring him. After a few blocks, Bush caught up with him. "Moses, why didn't you stop and talk to me?" asked Bush. "Well," Moses replied, "the last time I talked to a bush, I wandered the desert for 40 years."
-- Submitted by Kim Moffet*
What does a clean nose have?
Fingerprints.
Q: Why isn't Beethoven writing music anymore?
A: Because he is decomposing.
HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE FOREST?
THEY TAKE THE PSYCHO PATH.
WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
POLAROIDS.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A STICK.
WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
NACHO CHEESE.
WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
SUBORDINATE CLAUSES.
WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
QUATRO SINKO.
WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
SPOILED MILK.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
FROSTBITE.
WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A NERVOUS WRECK.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
ANYONE CAN ROAST BEEF.
WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT HIM.
WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
BECAUSE THEY HAVE BIG FINGERS.
WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
SANKA.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
THE LOCATION OF THE DIRT BAG.
WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
BECAUSE THEY WEAR THEIR BELT BUCKLE ON THEIR HAT.
HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
UNIQUE UP ON IT.
HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
TAME WAY, UNIQUE UP ON IT.
WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
SKEET.
*DISCLAIMER!!! I recieved this in my e-mail and I am using it to promote the LifeMinders webserviceI am in no way stating that I wrote the joke or that the joke was submitted to my site. I am in no way assuming ownership or request of payment for this joke.